“My Booky Wook: A Memoir of Sex, Drugs, and Stand-Up” by Russell Brand

Introduction: Stories written or published may be the person’s means to grasp and recognize the personal stories they actually lived. Having to come to terms with these realities with much interest can be crucial to understanding the fine distinctions within events of the life being presented. The life story of Russell Brand prior to his stardom speaks so overwhelmingly about a person who is far from ordinary. He was left without a father figure at a very tender age and had to deal with the ailing mother who was the only person left to care for him. He is among those unfortunate individuals who had gone through difficulties in life that compelled him to be self-destructive through substance abuse, alcoholism, and sex addiction. This paper delves on a critical analysis of an individual’s personality by means of various theories in the field of psychology.


Synopsis: Russell Brand grew up in the non-metropolitan area of the eastern district of England in Grays, Essex. He was only three months old when his father left. When he was a bit older, Russell would proudly identify himself with his father. “I was already a weary connoisseur of my dad’s pornography” (Brand 2010, p. 19) “Every week a different woman and a new scheme for riches. I would like to grow up like him.” (p. 21) Identification is recognized by psychoanalysis as the most basic manifestation of an emotional connection with another individual. It has a part in the initial history of Freud’s concept of Oedipus complex. A young boy will show signs of particular attention towards his father. He aspires to grow to be like him and become like him in the future, and assume his position in all places. In this regard, it is simple to state that he accepts his father as his model.

The author writes, “I remember saying to her, why don’t we just get married?” (Brand 2010, p. 19) Russell as a child had an “incestuous bubble.” “When I fall in love, it will be with Mother.” (p. 41) Once again, this is the Oedipus complex theorized by Freud to explain some form of childhood neurosis where the male child has an instinctive longing for the undivided love of his mother. Russell had felt antagonistic to the male adult who replaced his father in their household.

He had a “matriarchal upbringing.” His mother’s female friends and relatives like his Nan surrounded his early years. (Brand 2010, p. 19) His father, himself lost his own dad at a very early age, was an infrequent presence in his life. At a certain extent, he lacked this important connection. It is probable that his lack of pertinent connection with his father directed his adult sexuality. Some of his early memories in the weekends were sited by the author as “him leaving me watching the TV at his flat in Brentwood, while he read the papers or diddled birds in the room next door. I would mainly watch comedy videos, Elvis films and porn.” (p. 18) Untimely sexualisation through things being listened to, watched or seen, inappropriate sights and touching can cause a young person to allocate an unseemly place for sex in life. At ten, he encountered a childminder left by his mom during one of their late nights out who did something perverse as he watched. He also had a tutor tasked by his father but this person molested him. There have been occasions that in between drunkenness, the father expressively blamed himself for allowing that to happen. (p. 48)

The author mentions his inadequacy for human relationships. At the same time, his association with typical masculinity has always been progressively more difficult. When he went to primary school, he would alter the words inside picture books to make them distasteful and offensive. His teacher is found declaring, “There’s been another stabbing in the sandpit.” (Brand 2010, p. 21) According to his own evaluations in terms of his behaviors and attitude towards the company of other children, he attributes these with having to stay with his mom solely for seven years with thoughts that his father is some kind of hero, but has always been nowhere to be found and probably so preoccupied. Cancer had taken toll on his mother’s health which necessitated hospitalization. He was compelled to stay in the home of his mother’s family, but he never felt he belonged there. He expresses that with birthdays, Christmases, New Years’; he developed an aversion instead of anticipation. “I ain’t never really had much fun. I particularly dislike pre¬ordained happy occasions.” (p. 23) He would wet his bed whenever he gets out of his comfort zone like when he had stay at his Nan’s house due to his mom’s hospitalization and also during his first day in boarding school. He couldn’t maintain friends, even if he tried. He always manifested a self-destructive behavior. This was evidenced by his ruining a friend’s party and consequently, lost that friendship. With the constant move from his mother’s house to other people’s homes like his dad’s and Nan’s, he felt he could never be himself. “And this image of myself as compromised and inconsistent made me want to withdraw from the world even further.” (p.26) He once trampled on the flower beds of his good neighbor out of anger and frustration with his life, but was sad at the same time thrilled about it. The one occasion he realized there was really something amiss about him is when his own beloved grandmother had told him he was bad and should be held responsible for her mother’s sickness. (p. 40) Nevertheless, his mother would always reassure him that every time she gets awfully sick and then recuperate is because of Russell and her love for her son. As a child his self-destructive manifestations and venting of intense emotions, followed by an effort to re-establish some sense of wellbeing are shown as survival attempts for his perceived unreceptive and unsympathetic environment. These demonstrations of borderline personality that continued until his adolescence and young adulthood stage had been clinically diagnosed.

At a young age of twelve, he had become bulimic. When he was sixteen years old, he opted not to go back to school but just to study at the Italia Conti drama school. This was the time he began drinking a great deal and had tried to take drugs. Additionally, he would frequently go see prostitutes in Soho after being influenced by his own father. He also started to cut himself, had taken drugs during his stand-up shows and even on stage. The author related as well the incident when he had set himself on fire while high on cocaine. He was under arrest eleven times and was laid off from three jobs. These would include his spot in a commercial radio station in UK and MTV. He does not deny the fact that he had been intimate with more than two thousand women. Seven year ago, he was informed that he would be locked up in a mental institution or be found dead within six months lest he go into rehabilitation on his own volition. He was able to get himself get cleaned up and sober for a number of years now. (Brand, 2010)

It was in the year 2006 when his existing profession in the entertainment industry had taken off. He was known for his hosting flair evident in the NME (New Musical Express) awards, Brit awards, and his very own hit MTV show, 1 Leicester Square, including Big Brother’s Big Mouth. He had a successful stand-up tour around UK at the same time his BBC 6 Music on the radio had turned out to be phenomenal. He received the Stand-Up Comedian of the Year award by Time Out and succeeded as the Best Newcomer at the British Comedy Awards. The author writes a regular weekly football editorial within the Guardian and is an advocate in helping out Focus 12, an aid organization for those with problems of alcoholism and substance abuse. (Brand 2010)

Problems and circumstances: Addiction can either be a minor or severe case. If an addiction becomes serious like in Russell’s case, it becomes more essential for him. This becomes more important than his acceptance by society, his family, friends, and more important than life itself. He would always feel alienated, rejected, and disliked. As evidenced by Russell’s statement, “My life was destroyed by drinks,” “I valued drinks over my wife and kids.” (Brand 2010, p. 5) Addictions start gradually and develop insidiously. The major predicament in the management of addiction is recognizing the problem. Copello & Orford 2002, p. 1361) With all Russell’s confusion regarding his image in society and why he behaves in a certain way, mental health professionals have been very helpful in the process of his recognition of his addiction problems and manifestations of personality disorder.

Personality has a significant role in addiction. Russell’s problem with borderline personality creates impulsive behaviors such as sexual addiction, substance abuse, and alcoholism. Peer pressure, emotional turmoil, and feelings of failure and misery were evident manifestations of the author’s behaviors as described in his biography. Seeing as teenagers go through a lot of these emotional difficulties, they are specifically at risk for substance misuse and eating disorders. The social acceptance of therapeutic medications or drugs and alcohol makes the use and dependencies more prevalent. (Hurkom et al 2000, p. 475) The symptoms that Russell showed from his early years continued on until adolescence where substance abuse, alcoholism, and sex addiction became permanent in his lifestyle.

Adolescents go through problematic situations because they have mislaid their confidence and trust in people, especially in the family. At a very early age, Brand (2010) had lost a father figure when he and his mother were left by him. He had gone through life as a young kid with developmental needs inadequately met. For many young people, the loss of regard for academic institutions, societal groups, and friends or acquaintances, compromises the feeling of “trust” being re-established. (Hurkom et al 2005, p. 499) Probably if a concerned, truthful, not condemnatory, and respectful counselor was able to facilitate therapy for the young Russell in his early years, this may facilitate for the young individual to perceive, listen, and be aware that someone apart from his mother also cares, and with this, trust will gradually be restored. The turn of events in his life may have been positively directed with less of the hurdles.

Erik Erikson’s Stages of Development: According to the article by Boeree (2006), Erikson is a “Freudian ego-psychologist.” (para. 6) This is an indication that the ideas presented by Freud are accepted as fundamentally correct like his notions on the ego. Erikson is most renowned for his work in enhancing and broadening Freud’s theory of stages. Erik Erikson’s psychosocial theory of human development suggests that people develop by way of a preset that open up personalities through the eight stages of development. An individual’s progression in the course of every stage is partly resolved by one’s success or lack of, in passing through the various stages. (Boeree 2006, para. 9)

With the children witnessing their parents indiscreetly make use of prohibited substances or engages in illicit activities takes away the purpose, significance, and worth. Encountering the bad behaviors from family members themselves, the children begin to lose connection with the family. (Newton 1995, p. 55) Russel’s father disregarded his family when he left them. He was six months old then, in the infancy stage where the mother’s role is significant as the development outcome is trust vs. mistrust. His first words during his early childhood where the developmental outcome is autonomy vs. shame were “don’t do that,” even before he learned to say “mum.” The events where he learned these words might have affected his self-esteem. During his play age where the development outcome is initiative vs. guilt, he is already aware of existing psychosocial features of conflict between him, his father, and mother. In his school age, he hated anything that has to do with being grouped with other children and attending academic institutions. In this stage, the development outcome is industry vs. inferiority. At the time, not too many parents were divorced. Since Russell’s parents were not together anymore, his situation was regarded with concern. During his adolescence, where the development outcome is identity vs. role, he had struggled with social interactions and grappled with moral issues as he developed addiction. During his early adolescence phase, he looked like a girl with his chubbiness, long hair, and sort of pretty face, as he called it. Actually he was not confident with his sexuality during early teens. However, it did not cross his mind that he was gay. He just had delayed physical developments. He was in the process of looking for a girl to express his affections to probably replace his mother, apparently what he found were drugs. He got himself entangled with substance misuse, alcoholism, and it was the father who encouraged him to have sexual encounters with women in the sex trade. In his young adulthood, where the outcome is intimacy and solidarity, he felt inadequate in the eyes of his family despite his emerging talent in comedy and hosting. Negotiating this stage was not successful for him, so he still continued with his addictions and remained isolated and distanced. He would find some girls he thought he would get serious with, but the extremes of his personality had gotten in the way. When things go well, he would celebrate with heroine, and when things go bad, he would comfort himself with the same substance. At thirty, his turning point came when his handler presented him options for his life. He chose to be rehabilitated, and from then, there was no turning back. During his middle adulthood where the developmental outcome is generativity vs. outcome, he was able to establish himself within a renowned industry and found his salvation through marriage with Katy Perry, an artist herself with strong female attributes that coincide with Russell’s.

Cognitive theory: Substance misuse and psychological function are very much associated. Alcoholism brings on a number because it is more accepted by society and more accessible than prohibited substances. According to Wood et al (2004, p. 78), cognitive theory inclusive of therapy selections have been confirmed effective in clearing up and managing addiction. This theory delves on the problem of dependency in terms of neuroscience and the science of human behavior. Krauth (2006, p. 4) asserts the relationship of addiction to an individual’s functioning of the brain, particularly in the frontal lobe. The convergences of chemical receptors that are associated with pleasure become habituated to the overflow of pleasurable feelings. In addition, recognition of some other societal and emotional issues that previously were not dealt with may facilitate possible treatment.

The problem of addiction is apparent; however, it is also pertinent to know the causative mental health issues that frequently result to long-protracted abuse. (Krauth 2006, p. 3) Cognitive theory is effective in establishing the association of physical and psychological addiction in a person’s brain. Behavior modification therapy, in the same way can help clients in once more programming the brain by knowingly acting in response or averting prompted brain behavior. (Wood et al, 2004)

Conclusion: The biography of Russell Brand has been written as an impertinent memoir. It is a story not merely of having struggled through a hard life but also of deliverance and emancipation from the cages of addiction. The narrative, with all its witty and humorous qualities, is shown as a testimony to the impediments of determining what a real person actually wants from life and the extraordinary force of a very determined psychological makeup to achieve it.

His growing up years in Europe showed how often he had gotten himself into misadventures that caused him different kinds of personal pain and depression but articulated in a comical way. This makes the reading a bit lighter despite the terrible ups and downs he had encountered much of his life, and a good reason why this book is chosen for this report. He had managed to recount most of the despicable situations he allowed himself to get involved in. It is a good read because it delves on a number of psychological issues familiar to a lot of people, professionals or otherwise. Through this narrative, there are a lot of those out there in the real world who may be given hope for recovery and have better, productive lives.

According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV-TR), personality disorders are “enduring patterns of inner experience and behaviour.” These are amply severe and deep-rooted to bring an individual into recurring conflicts with social and work-related environment. It is specified that the dysfunctional patterns have to considered as nonconforming or unusual for the individual’s cultural background, and cause intensely painful emotions and problems in relations and job functioning. (National Institute of Mental Health, 2010)

Delving on a critical analysis of an individual’s personality through the biography of Russell Brand, by means of various theories in the field of psychology, this paper concludes that effective counselling and a broad range of psychotherapies are effective means in addressing depression, anxiety, and addiction in various forms. In the past number of years, there has been a progressive interest for focused, time constrained variety of therapies that are used to directly take up ways of coping with symptoms caused by anxiousness, instead of merely delving into inherent conflict or some other personal weakness.

Erik Erikson’s psychosocial development theory is expedient in teaching, parenting, having a sense of self-awareness, facing up to conflicts, and in general for having the understanding of one’s self as well as others. This report recommends that care and management for young individuals ought to be high-level and specialized with a softened upfront non-judgmental approach. The counselor in therapeutic settings must be a good listener and compassionately conscientious within a non-intimidating or threatening environment. It is imperative to accept the young individual for what he is and not express disapproval of any mischievous behavior but find out what caused the action. Significant people in their lives who have discredited them may lead to feelings of being worthless.

Honey! Whose undies are these?

"Intimate relationship is supposed to be safe and a place where you know someone has your back, not where you need to watch your back."


A woman recently moved in with her boyfriend. She had gone off to get some of his laundry out of the hamper and found a pair of women's undies. The boyfriend insists he had no idea why they were there and whose are they. He was really furious at her for disbelieving him.

At the same time, she does not actually know if he is done with any emotional feelings for his previous relationship, with whom he had a child. He speaks of her occasionally and gets angry if she says anything unconstructive about her. The current girlfriend feels queasy about this and is confused whether she should believe him or not. Apparently, his reliability is questionable.

It never ceases to astonish the things people especially women are willing to endure in intimate relationships. The woman has no idea if the guy is over his former girlfriend, and yet she’s willing to live in with him. This is an obvious case of desperation. What's relevant is actually not the proof of undies found with his laundry, but his reaction towards the girlfriend in finding them. He got shifty and attempted to defend himself. Without a doubt, there is something peculiar going on.

Thinking about it, in this circumstance that an intimate apparel was found among the other person’s belongings, would the person get angry when asked? If the person was innocent, he would probably be stunned and say he doesn't know anything, in his usual, composed tone of voice. However, if the other person had something to conceal, he'd get defensive or angry in an attempt to make the other party feel guilty and thus bring the issue to a close.

Once, another woman found a strand of red, short, wavy hair in the bed of a man she was dating. Since the woman had blonde hair, she knew at once it wasn't hers. She got a similar response and assured her he didn't know whose it was or how it got there and how dare she judged him. Only to find out afterwards that he was actually meeting up with another woman with red, short, wavy hair.

Going back to the initial scenario, at that point in time, a "circumstantial evidence" is found in the guise of intimate apparel. It appears something has been ongoing but not absolutely positive. The undies and his reaction serve as vital indicators or “orange flags.” It is imperative for the woman to keep close watch for some other “orange flags" and if something similar would occur, definitely she should immediately break it up with him and move out.

PC PANDORA: PC SURVEILLANCE AND INTERNET MONITORING SOFTWARE

FYI...PC Pandors is a personal PC and Internet detective that may be placed hidden on a hard drive. It monitors all computer and Internet activity. This program may record and take snapshots of the websites visited, e-mails sent as well as received, even Instant Messages sent and received, chat room talks and other computer and Internet activity that is done on a personal computer. This software can also be used as a keylogger that may be able to make records of secret passwords that another person may want to keep hidden from you. Once you know the passwords you will be able to enter any site that someone tries to be kept hidden from other users, or login to secret Hotmail, YAHOO, AOL or other web-based email accounts. There are more benefits to PC Pandora because it can also provide protection from a spouse or significant other to cheat. What's more, this program can help keep the kids safe from online pedophiles and other predators that want to cause them harm.

How many narcissists does it take to change a light bulb?

A) Just one. But he has to wait for the whole world to revolve around him.
B) None at all -- he employs menials for work that's beneath him

Everything written here is borrowed from the writings of a professional. I have no desire to place someone’s professional views as my own. This is merely to provide awareness to those who may be interested and probably are in the same situation and are having a harsh time understanding what is happening to their lives to the extent that they themselves are beginning to suffer emotional breakdowns and severe depression leaving them hopeless. These things may have life threatening impact to their health and their children as well. This is to possibly offer some understanding to a certain extent of people’s lives. Sometimes people think whatever is happening to their lives as an individual in a relationship or as a family is just normal or it’s their fault, due to their incapacity or developed decreased sense of self-worth overtime. Some people go through this experience almost their lives without realizing that there is a deeper problem that had caused it. It is imperative that people understand these types of situations may be addictive to the mistreated party. It is not the fault of the injured party, instead this person needs to salvage him or herself or gain control of his or her life back.
This article came from a website I found in the course of my quest to answer life’s bizarre questionable events and encounters. Apparently, it had answered majority of uncertainties in my mind and has helped me cope with my situation. It gave me an insight about myself and the things around me. It gave me a different perspective in life and a huge sigh of relief realizing that events that have occurred certainly had distorted origins, and all wasn’t my fault. It’s just some unrecognizable cognitive disability and psychological impairment had caused strains to different lives including those of innocent ones. I have started to assume some form of self-awareness that my background in the field of healthcare and medicine provided explanation of its necessity.

Almost everyone has some narcissistic traits, but being conceited, argumentative, or selfish sometimes and even all the time does not amount to a personality disorder. Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a long-term pattern of abnormal thinking, feeling, and behavior in many different situations. The traits to be discussed will seem peculiar or disturbing when someone acts this way. Then you will know that something is not right, and contact with narcissists may make you feel bad about yourself. It's not unusual for narcissists to be outstanding in their field of work. But these are the successful people who have a history of alienating colleagues, co-workers, employees, students, clients, and customers -- people go away mad or sad after close contact with.

Narcissicism is a personality disorder and that means that narcissists' personalities aren't organized in a way that makes sense to most people, so the notes below do not necessarily go in the order I've listed them or in any order at all. Interaction with narcissists is confusing, even bewildering -- their reasons for what they do are not the same as normal reasons. In fact, treating them like normal people for instance appealing to their better nature, like "Please have a heart," or giving them the chance to apologize and make amend will just make matters worse with a narcissist.

The most telling thing that narcissists do is contradict themselves. They will do this virtually in the same sentence, without even stopping to take a breath. It can be trivial for example about what they want for lunch or it can be serious, like about whether or not they love you. When you ask them which one they mean, they'll deny ever saying the first one, though it may literally have been only seconds since they said it – REALLY HOW COULD YOU THINK THEY’D EVER HAVE SAID THAT? YOU NEED TO HAVE YOUR HEAD EXAMINED! They will contradict FACTS. They will lie to you about things that you did together. They will misquote you to yourself. If you disagree with them, they'll say you're lying, making stuff up, or are crazy. At this point, a normal person will sort of panic and want to talk to anyone who will listen about what is going on. This is a healthy reaction. It's a reality check about questioning yourself "who's the crazy one here?"; that you're confused by the narcissist's contrariness, that you turn to another person to help you keep your bearings, that you know something is seriously wrong and worry that it might be you are all signs that you are not a narcissist.

NOTE: Normal people can behave irrationally under emotional stress like be confused, deny things they know, get sort of paranoid, want to be cuddled when in pain. But normal people recover pretty much within an hour or two or a day or two, and, with normal people, your expressions of love and concern for their welfare will be taken to heart. They will be stabilized by your emotional and moral support. Not so with narcissists. The surest way I know of to get a crushing blow to your heart is to tell a narcissist you love her or him. They will respond with a nasty power move, such as telling you to do things entirely their way or else be banished from them forever.

It is normal to get into disputes with narcissists over their casual dishonesty and cruelty to other people. Trying to reform narcissists by reasoning with them or by appealing to their better nature is very slightly effective. What you see is what you get for they have no better nature. The fundamental problem here is that narcissists lack empathy.

Lacking empathy is a profound disturbance to the narcissist's thinking or cognition and feeling or affect. Even when very intelligent, narcissists can't reason well. One I've worked with closely does something I characterize as "analysis by eggbeater." They don't understand the meaning of what people say and they don't grasp the meaning of the written word either because so much of the meaning of anything we say depends on context and affectivity. Narcissists lack empathy and thus lack both context and affect and hear only the words. Discussions with narcissists can be really weird and disconcerting. They seem to think that using some of the same words means that they are following a line of conversation or reasoning. Thus, they will go off on tangents and irrelevancies, apparently in the blithe delusion that they understand what others are talking about. And, frankly, they don't hear all the words, either. They can pay attention only to stuff that has them in it. This is not merely a bad habit. It's a cognitive deficiency. Narcissists pay attention only to themselves and stuff that affects them personally. However, since they don't know what other people are doing, narcissists can't judge what will affect them personally and seem never to learn that when they cause trouble they will get trouble back. They won't take other people's feelings into consideration and so they overlook the fact that other people will react with feeling when abused or exploited and that most people get really pissed off by being lied to or lied about.

They lack mature conscience and seem to be restrained only by fear of being punished or of damaging their reputations. Although, again, this can be obscure to casual observation if you don't know what they think their reputations are, and what they believe others think of them may be way out of touch with reality. Their moral intelligence is about at the level of a bright five or six year old. The only rules they recognize are things that have been specifically required, permitted, prohibited, or disapproved of by authority figures they know personally. Anyhow, narcissists can't be counted on not to do something just because it's wrong, illegal, or will hurt someone, as long as they think that they can get away with it or that you can't stop them or punish them. They don't care what you think unless they're afraid of you.

They are envious and competitive in ways that are hard to understand. For instance, one I knew once became incensed over an article published in a national magazine, not for its content exactly, but because she could have written something just as good. Maybe she could have. Anyway, she hadn't, but that little lapse on her part was beside the point to her. They are constantly comparing themselves and whatever they feel belongs to them, such as their children and furniture with other people. Narcissists feel that, unless they are better than anyone else, they are worse than everybody in the whole world.

They are generally contemptuous of others. This seems to spring, at base, from their general lack of empathy, and it comes out as, at best a dismissive attitude towards other people's feelings, wishes, needs, concerns, standards, property, work, etc. It is also connected to their overall negative outlook in life.

Narcissists are A) extremely sensitive to personal criticism and B) are extremely critical of other people. They think that they must be seen as perfect or superior or infallible, next to god-like, if not actually divine, then sitting on the right hand of God, or else they are worthless. There's no middle ground of ordinary normal humanity for narcissists. They can't tolerate the least disagreement. In fact, if you say, "Please don't do that again -- it hurts," narcissists will turn around and do it again HARDER to prove that they were right the first time. Their reasoning seems to be something like "I AM A GOOD PERSON AND CAN DO NO WRONG; THEREFORE, I DIDN’T HURT YOU AND YOU ARE LYING ABOUT IT NOW.” Anyhow, narcissists are habitually cruel in little ways, as well as big ones, because they're paying attention to their fantasy and not to you, but the bruises on you are REAL, not in your imagination. Thus, no matter how gently you suggest that they might do better to change their ways or get some help, they will react in one of two equally horrible ways: they will attack or they will withdraw. Be wary of wandering into this dragon's cave. NARCISSISTS WILL SAY ANYTHING, THEY WILL TRASH ANYONE IN THEIR OWN SELF-JUSTIFICATION AND THEN THEY WILL EXPECT THE IMMEDIATE RESTORATION OF THE STATUS QUO. They will attack you sometimes physically and spew a load of bile, insult, abuse, contempt, threats, among others and then…well, it's kind of like they had indigestion and the vicious tirade worked like a burp: THERE, NOW I FEEL BETTER, WHERE WERE WE?” THEY FEEL BETTER, SO THEY EXPPECT YOU TO FEEL BETTER, TOO. THEY WILL SAY YOU ARE NOTHING, WORTHLESS, AND TURN AROUND IMMEDIATELY AND SAAY THAT THEY LOVE YOU. WHEN YOU OBJECT TO THIS KIND OF TREATMENT, THEY WILL SAY, “YOU HAVE TO ACCEPT ME THE WAY I AM. (GOD MADE ME THIS WAY, SO GOD LOVES ME EVEN IF YOU ARE TOO STUPID TO UNDERSTAND HOW SPECIAL I AM.)” Accepting them as they are and staying away from them entirely is excellent advice. The other "punishment" narcissists mete out is banishing you from their glorious presence. This can turn into a farce, since by this point you are probably praying to be rescued, "Dear God! How do I get out of this?" THE NARCISSIST EXPECTS THAT YOU WILL BE DEVASTATED BY THE WITHDRAWAL OF HIS DIVINE ATTENTION, SO THAT AFTER A WHILE, PROBABLY A FEW WEEKS OR MONTHS (like, the next time the narcissist needs to use you for something) THE NARCISSIST WILL EXPECT YOU TO HAVE LEARNED YOUR LESSON AND BE EAGER TO RETURN TO THE FOLD. They can't see that they have a problem. It's always somebody else who has the problem and needs to change. Therapies work at all only when the individual wants to change and, though narcissists hate their real selves, they don't want to change. They want the world to change. THEY CRITICIZE, GRIPE, AND COMPLAIN ABOUT ALMOST EVERYTHING AND ALMOST EVERYONE ALMOST ALL THE TIME.

THERE ARE USUALLY FAVORED FEW WHOM NARCISSISTS REGARD AS ABSOLUTELY ABOVE REPROACH, EVEN FOR EGREGIOUS MISCONDUCT OR ACTUAL CRIME, AND ABOUT WHOM THEY WON’T BROOK THE SLIGHTEST CRITICISM. These are people the narcissists are terrified of, though they'll tell you that what they feel is love and respect; apparently they don't know the difference between fear and love. NARCISSISTS JUST GET WORSE AND WORSE AS THEY GROW OLDER. Their parents and other authority figures that they've feared die off, and there's less and less outside influence to keep them in check.

They are hostile and ferocious in reaction, but they are generally passive and lacking in initiative. They don't start stuff and they don't reach out. Remember this when they turn and rend you! They will complain about the same things for years on end, but only rarely do anything to change what dissatisfies them so badly.

They are naive and vulnerable, pathetic really, no matter how arrogant and forceful their words or demeanor. They have pretty good reasons for their paranoia and cynicism, their sneakiness, evasiveness, prevarications. This is the one I get suckered on. They are so out of touch with other people and what goes on around them that they are very susceptible to exploitation. On the other hand, THEY ARE SO INATTENTIVE, AND SO DISCONNECTED FROM WHAT OTHER PEOPLE ARE UP TO, THAT THEY DON’T RECOGNIZE WHEN SOMEONE IS TAKING ADVANTAGE OF THEM.

They are grandiose. They live in an artificial self-invented, from fantasies of absolute or perfect power, genius, beauty, etc. Normal people's fantasies of themselves, their wishful thinking, take the form of stories which often come from movies or TV, or from things they've read or that were read to them as children. They involve a plot, heroic activity or great accomplishments or adventure: normal people see themselves in action, however preposterous or even impossible that action may be. They see themselves doing things that earn them honor, glory, love, riches, fame, and they see these fantasy selves as personal potentials, however tenuous, something they'd do if they didn't have to go to school or go to work, if they had the time and the money.

As Freud said of narcissists, these people act like they're in love with themselves. And they are in love with an ideal image of themselves or they want you to be in love with their pretend self. It's hard to tell just what's going on. Like anyone in love, their attention and energy are drawn to the beloved and away from everyday practicalities. Narcissists' fantasies are static. They've fallen in love with an image in a mirror or, more accurately, in a pool of water, so that movement causes the image to dissolve into ripples. To see the adored reflection they must remain perfectly still. Narcissists' fantasies are tableaux or scenes, stage sets; narcissists are hung up on a particular picture that they think reflects their true selves, as opposed to the real self, warts and all. Narcissists don't see themselves doing anything except being adored, and they don't see anyone else doing anything except adoring them. Moreover, they don't see these images as potentials that they may someday be able to live out, if they get lucky or everything goes right. They see these pictures as the real way they want to be seen right now, which is not the same as saying they think these pictures are the way they really are right now. Sometimes narcissistic fantasies are spectacularly grandiose like imagining themselves as Jesus or a saint or hero or deity depicted in art. But just as often the fantasies of narcissists are mediocre and vulgar, concocted from illustrations in popular magazines, sensational novels, comic books even. These artificial self fantasies are also static in time, going back unchanged to early adolescence or even to childhood. The narcissists' self-images don't change with time, so that you will find, for instance, female narcissists clinging to retro styles, still living the picture of the perfect woman of 1945 or 1965 as depicted in The Ladies' Home Journal or Seventeen or Vogue of that era, and male narcissists still hung up on images of comic-book or ripping adventure heroes from their youth. Though narcissists like pictures rather than stories, they like still pictures, not moving ones, so they don't base their fantasies on movies or TV.

Grandiosity can take various forms. A narcissistic woman may believe herself to be the very model of perfect womanhood, the standard by which all others are measured, and she will try to force her daughters to be just like her, she will not be able to cope with daughters who are taller or shorter than she is, fatter or thinner, who have bigger or smaller feet, breasts, teeth, who have different favorite colors than hers, etc. Narcissistic men can be infatuated with their own looks, too, but are more likely than women to get hung up on their intelligence or the importance of their work. It doesn't matter what the work is, if he's doing it, by definition it's more important than anything you could possibly do. Narcissists also have odd religious ideas, in particular BELIEVING THAT THEY ARE GOD’S SPECIAL FAVORITES SOMEHOW. GOD LOVES THEM, SO THEY ARE EXEMPTED FROM ORDINARY RULES AND OBLIGATIONS. God loves them and wants them to be the way they are, so they can do anything they feel like. Although, note, the narcissist's God has much harsher rules for everyone else, including you. "Modern American Christianity is filled with the spirit of narcissism. We are in love with ourselves and evaluate churches, ministers and truth-claims based upon how they make us feel about ourselves. If the church makes me feel wanted, it is a good church. If the minister makes me feel good about myself, he is a terrific guy. If the proffered truth supports my self-esteem, it is, thereby, verified."

Narcissists have little sense of humor. They don't get jokes, not even the funny papers or simple riddles, and they don't make jokes, except for sarcastic cracks and the lamest puns. This is because, lacking empathy, they don't get the context and affect of words or actions, and jokes, humor, comedy depend entirely on context and affect. They specialize in sarcasm about others and mistake it for wit, but, in my experience, narcissists are entirely incapable of irony; thus, I've been chagrinned more than once to discover that something I'd taken as an intentional pose or humorous put-on was, in fact, something the narcissist was totally serious about. This is to say that they come mighty close to parody in their pretensions and pretending, so that they can be very funny without knowing it, but you'd better not let on that you think so. Interestingly, this is the only trait on this list about which there seems to be any controversy. Maybe I've just been unlucky! I've known narcissists who'll make fun of others, repeat jokes they've heard others laugh at, and laugh at jokes when others laugh, but knowing how to make people laugh is not necessarily the same as having a sense of humor.



THEY HAVE A WEIRD SENSE OF TIME. It's more or less like they are not aware that the passage of time changes things, or maybe they just aren't aware of time's passing at all. Years can pass without touching narcissists. Narcissists often look, or think they look, significantly YOUNGER than they are. This youthful appearance is a point of pride to them, and some will emphasize it by either preserving the styles of their golden youth or following the styles of people the age they feel they "really" are. That their faces don't show their chronological age is a good sign that they haven't been living real lives with real life's wear and tear on the looks of normal people. The narcissists' years have passed without touching them. Bear in mind that narcissistic adults have had decades of not being in synch with the times or with other people, so that by now they are really out of it. Sometimes it just seems like they have a highly selective memory, which, of course, they do, sort of. They pay attention only to what has their name in it in the first place, so after 30 or 40 years, you shouldn't be surprised to hear a narcissist say something like, "Didn't the Beatles have a couple of hit songs while we were in high school?" or to suddenly discover that the narcissist doesn't know that M&M's have little m's on them or that smallpox was eradicated over 20 years ago. They are not being ironic: they really don't know. They were off in their own little world of fantastic perfection. On the other hand, as far as I've seen, all that stuff really is in there, but is accessible only intermittently or unpredictably. Narcissists ordinarily have spotty memories, with huge and odd gaps in their recollections; they may say that they don't remember their childhoods, etc., and apparently most of the time they don't. But they will have sudden accesses of memory, triggered by God knows what, when they remember details, everybody's names, what people were wearing, why the people in that picture from 1950 are standing the way they are, what the weather was like, etc. In other words, every once in a while their memories will be normal. But don't count on it.

They are totally and inflexibly authoritarian. In other words, they are suck-ups. They want to be authority figures and, short of that, they want to be associated with authority figures. In their hearts, they know they can't think well, have no judgment about what matters, are not connected with the world they inhabit, so they cling fanatically to the opinions of people they regard as authority figures such as their parents, teachers, doctors, ministers. Where relevant, this may include scientists or professors or artists, but narcissists stick to people they know personally, since they aren't engaged enough with the world to get their authoritative opinions from TV, movies, books or dead geniuses, saints, heroes. If they get in trouble over some or another opinion they've put forth, they'll blame the source. "It was okay with Dr. Somebody," "My father taught me that," etc. If you're still thinking of the narcissist as odd-but-normal, this shirking of responsibility will seem dishonest and craven. Well, it is but it's really an admission of weakness: they really mean it: they said what they said because someone they admire or fear said it and they're trying to borrow that person's strength.

They have strange work habits. Normal people work for a goal or a product, even if the goal is only a paycheck. Normal people measure things by how much they have to spend whether in time, work, and energy to get the desired results. Normal people desire idleness from time to time, usually wanting as much free time as they can get to pursue their own thoughts and pleasures and interests. Narcissists work for a goal, too, but it's a different goal. They want power, authority, and adulation. Lacking empathy, and lacking also context and affect, narcissists don't understand how people achieve glory and high standing. They think it's all arbitrary. It’s all appearances. IT’S ALL WHO YOU KNOW. So they try to attach themselves to people who already have what they want, meanwhile making a great show of working hard. Narcissists can put in a shocking amount of time to very little effect. This is partly because they have so little empathy that they don't know why some work is valued more highly than other work, why some people's opinions carry more weight than others'. They do know that you're supposed to work and not be lazy, so they keep themselves occupied. But they are not invested in the work they do. Whatever they may produce is just something they have to do to get the admiration and power they crave. Since this is so, they really don't pay attention to what they're doing, preferring the easiest thing at every turn, even though they may be constantly occupied, so that NARCISSISTS MANAGE TO BE WORKAHOLICS AND EXTREMELY LAZY AT THE SAME TIME. Narcissists measure the worth of their work ONLY by how much time they spend on it, not by what they produce. They want to get an A for Effort. Narcissists lack empathy, so they don't know what others value or why. Narcissists tend to value things in quantitative ways and in odd quantities at that. They'll tell you how many inches of letters they received, but not how many letters or from how many correspondents. They know the price of everything and the value of nothing.

A narcissist may, in fact, hold himself to a grinding work schedule that gives him something like an addictive high so that, when wrought up, he can be sort of dazed, giddy, and groggy, making you wonder if he's drunk or otherwise intoxicated. Now, that's a real workaholic. Usually, this excessive busyness appears to be, and some will even tell you this, an attempt to distract themselves from unpleasant or inconvenient feelings like, it's a manic defense against depression and note, with narcissists it's inaccurate to use "happy" or "unhappy" because their feelings are just not that differentiated. "Euphoria" or "dysphoria" is as close as they get to ordinary pleasure or distress or to make themselves unavailable to others' emotional needs.

They feel entitled to whatever they can take. They expect privileges and indulgences, and they also feel entitled to exploit other people without any trace of reciprocation.

Narcissists spend extravagantly in order to impress people, keep up grandiose pretentions, or buy favorable treatment, and some narcissists overspend, bankrupt themselves, and lose everything. My personal experience is that narcissists are stingy, mean, frugal, niggardly to the point of eccentricity. This is a person who won't spend $1.50 on a greeting card but will instead send you an advertising flyer that came with the newspaper. This is a person who will be very conscious of her appearance but will dress herself and her children in used clothes and other people's cast-offs. It is important to note that thrift is not in itself a narcissistic trait; neither is a fondness for old clothes. The important element here is that the narcissist buys clothes that other people she admires and wishes to emulate have already picked out, since she has no individual tastes or preferences. These are people who need labels or trademarks or other signs of authority to distinguish between the real thing and a cheap knock-off or imitation, and so will substitute something easy and cheap for something precious and dear and expect nobody else to know the difference, since they can't. These are people who can tell you how many miles but not how many smiles.



Narcissists are not only selfish and ungiving, they seem to have to make a point of not giving what they know someone else wants. Thus, for instance, in a "romantic" relationship, they will want you to do what they want because they want it and not because you want it -- and, in fact, if you actually want to do what they want, then that's too much like sharing and you wreck their fun and they don't want it anymore. They want to get what they want from you without giving you what you want from them. PERIOD. If you should happen to want to give what they want to get, then they'll lose interest in you.

Something I had not connected with narcissism until I read about Reactive Attachment Disorder is that narcissists I've known have had unusual eating habits or appetites, including eating match heads, dry cake mix, chicken bones, raw meat, dog kibble, egg mash, bits of paper, wood pencils; some binge or gorge on ordinary foods, others seem always to be on one or another self-imposed, self-invented eccentric dietary regime. This behavior does not seem to have much in the way of affective component compared to, say, "normal" eating disorders.

Narcissists are very disappointing gift-givers. This is not a trivial consideration in personal relationships. I've seen narcissistic people sweetly solicit someone's preferences. "Go ahead tell me what you really want. “ They will make a show of paying attention to the answer, "Don't you think I'm nice?", and then deliver something other than what was asked for and feel abused and unappreciated when someone else gets gratitude for fulfilling the very request that the narcissist evoked in the first place. I've seen this happen often, where narcissists will go out of their way to stir up other people's expectations and then go out of their way to disappoint those expectations. It seems like a lot of pointless work to me.

First, narcissists lack empathy, so they don't know what you want or like and, evidently, they don't care either. Second, they think their opinions are better and more important than anyone else's, so they'll give you what they think you ought to want, regardless of what you may have said when asked what you wanted for your birthday. Third, they're stingy and will give as gifts stuff that's just lying around their house, such as possessions that they no longer have any use for, or in really choice instances, return to you something that was yours in the first place. In fact, as a practical matter, the surest way NOT to get what you want from a narcissist is to ask for it; your chances are better if you just keep quiet, because every now and then the narcissist will hit on the right thing by random accident.

It’s very hard to have a simple, uncomplicated good time with a narcissist. Except for odd spells of heady euphoria unrelated to anything you can see, their affective range is mediocre-fake-normal to hell-on-Earth. They will sometimes lie low and be quiet, actually passive and dependent -- this is as good as it gets with narcissists. They are incapable of loving conduct towards anyone or anything, so they do not have the capacity for simple pleasure, beyond the satisfaction of bodily needs. There is only one way to please a narcissist (and it won't please you): that is to indulge their every whim, cater to their tiniest impulses, bend to their views on every little thing. There's only one way to get decent treatment from narcissists: keep your distance. They can be pretty nice, even charming, flirtatious, and seductive, to strangers, and will flatter you shamelessly if they want something from you. When you attempt to get close to them in a normal way, they feel you are putting emotional pressure on them and they withdraw because you're too demanding. They can be positively fawning and solicitous as long as they're afraid of you, which is not most people's idea of a real fun relationship.

I always have the problem that I get fed up and stay away from THEM long enough to forget exactly what the trouble was, then they come around again, and every narcissist I've known actually was quite lovable about half the time so I try it again. A clue, run for cover when they start acting normal, maybe expressing a becoming self-doubt or even acknowledging some little fault of their own, such as saying they now realize that they haven't treated you right or that they took advantage of you before. They're just softening you up for something really nasty. These people are geniuses of "Come closer so I can slap you." Except that's not the way they think about it, if they think about it, no, they're thinking, "Well, maybe you do really care about me, and, if you really care about me, then maybe you'll help me with this," only by "help" they mean do the whole thing, take total responsibility for it, including protecting and defending them and cleaning up the mess they've already made of it. This they will neglect to fill you in on because they haven't really been paying attention, have they, so how would they know?. They will not have considered for one second how much of your time it will take, how much trouble it may get you into in their behalf, that they will owe you BIG for this. No, you're just going to do it all out of the goodness of your heart, which they are delighted to exploit yet again, and your virtue will be its own reward. It's supposed to just tickle you pink to be offered this generous opportunity of showing how much you love them and how lucky you are to be the servant of such a luminous personage. No lie. They think other people do stuff for the same reason they do which is to show off, to perform for an audience. That's one of the reasons they make outrageous demands, put you on the spot and create scenes in public, they're being generous and trying to share the spotlight with you by giving you the chance to show off how absolutely stunningly devoted-to-them you are. It means that they love you; that's why they're hurt and bewildered when you angrily reject this invitation.

Appearances are all there is for narcissists and their self-hatred knows no bounds. The most dramatic example I can think of is from “John Cheever’s journals.” Throughout his life he had pursued surreptitious homosexual activities, being transiently infatuated with young men who reminded him of himself in his youth, while also living in a superficially settled way as a married family man, a respected writer with an enviable suburban life, breeding pedigreed dogs and serving on the vestry of the Episcopal Church. When his secret life which made going to New York City for a few days every now and then to pick up sailors and other beautiful boys for brief flings came to scandalous light, his family sought to reassure him, by telling him that they'd known about his homosexual activities for years. Now, a normal person would be ashamed and embarrassed but also relieved and grateful that scandal, not to mention chronic emotional and marital infidelity, had not caused his wife and children to reject and abandon him, BUT NOT THE NARCISSIST! Oh no, Cheever was enraged that they would ever have thought such a thing of him. If they really loved him, they'd have bought his artificial "country squire" persona. They would have seen him as he wished to be seen. They would have believed his lies without question or doubt.

They don't volunteer the usual personal information about themselves, so they may seem secretive or perhaps unusually reserved or very jealous of their privacy. All these things are true, but with the special narcissistic twist that, first, their real life isn't interesting to them so it doesn't occur to them that it would be interesting to anyone else and, second, since they have not yet been transfigured into the Star of the Universe, they're ashamed of their real life. They feel that their jobs, their friends and families, their homes and possessions aren't good enough for them, they deserve better.

They not only don't recognize the feelings and autonomy of others, they don’t recognize their own feelings as their own. Their feelings are sort of like the weather, atmospheric, acts of God. The narcissistic think that everyone's having the same feeling as they are. This means that usually their own pain means nothing to them beyond the physical discomfort -- it has no affective component. When they do get some painful affect, they think that God is punishing them -- they think that their trivial errors are worth God's specific attention to their punishment. If you try to straighten them out, by telling them that your feelings are different, beware: their idea of sharing their feelings is to do or say something that makes you feel the way they're feeling and, as they make a point of not sharing anything desirable, you can expect something really nasty. The sad fact seems to be that narcissists feel just as bad about themselves as they make others feel about them.

Narcissists are noted for their negative, pessimistic, cynical, or gloomy on life. Sarcasm seems to be a narcissistic specialty, not to mention spite. Lacking love and pleasure, they don't have a good reason for anything they do and they think everyone else is just like them, except they're honest and the rest of us are hypocrites. Nothing real is ever perfect enough to satisfy them, so are they are constantly complaining and criticizing -- to the point of verbal abuse and insult.

They are impulsive. They undo themselves by behavior that seems oddly stupid for people as intelligent as they are. Somehow, they don't consider the probable consequences of their actions. It's not clear to me whether they just expect to get away with doing anything they feel like at the moment or whether this impulsiveness is essentially a cognitive shortcoming deriving from the static psychic state with its distorted perception of time.

Narcissists hate to live alone. Their inner resources are skimpy, static, and sterile, nothing interesting or attractive going on in their hearts and minds, so they don't want to be stuck with themselves. All they have inside is the image of perfection that, being mere mortals like the rest of us, they will inevitably fall short of attaining.